$100K+ Robberies Organized on Snapchat, The Social Network...Doesn't Care. Rich Kids Act Like Trailer Park Meth Heads Now, Jimmy Fallon No Longer Knows What Comedy Is. (The Five for 12/17/21)
Hey, welcome to The Five.
Reminder—only two issues left for the year.
12/21—The Five Most Important Stories of 2021.
12/24—Top Five Lists (Books, Music, Film, etc.
Let’s dive in…
[one]
The current HBO Max reboot of the popular aughts drama Gossip Girl was supposed to be one of the biggest hits of the year, even Vox called it an “expensive, tired retread.”
Hey, if you can’t tell a good story, the next best thing is to “jump the shark” I guess. (If you’re not familiar with the phrase, the term was coined after an episode of Happy Days in 1977 when the show was quickly losing fans, and the writers attempted a last-ditch effort to gain attention by having a character jump over a shark with water skis…while wearing swim trunks and a leather jacket).
While only a tiny contingent of viewers are tuning in compared to the original (a true cultural blockbuster), Teen Vogue lavished the reboot with praise for including polyamory (more-than-two-person-long-term relationship):
In the show, Audrey and Aki are a longtime couple. We meet them when Aki is only beginning to understand that he is bisexual; enter Max, a pansexual alpha type who is confident and sexually experienced — a more consent-enthusiastic and virtuous Chuck Bass of sorts — though, like many of us, reluctant to explore an actual relationship for fear of getting hurt. Unlike his apparent predecessor Bass, however, he’s emotionally intuitive and honest enough to be able to admit this, and communicates his feelings to Audrey and Aki.
This isn’t the first time a “throuple” has been portrayed on the small screen. TLC tried to cash in on the idea in a VERY short lived reality show Brother Husbands in 2018, which featured Amanda Liston and her husband Chad Liston adding an extra “husband” (functionally, but not legally), Jeremy Johnston. The three adults quickly created five children between the two fathers, before (the two who were legally married) divorced.
Amanda and her “first husband” split, and she settled into a monogamous relationship with her “second husband.” This leaves roughly half of the kids living with two biological parents, and the other half living with a step-parent…and all three adults claim to be “done” with polygamy, a presumable failed experiment.
Rising public intellectual Rob Henderson describes ideas like polyamory as “luxury beliefs,” which can roughly be summed up as stuff rich people talk about to seem cool to each other.
But what does polygamy look like in real life?
The 2006 comedy Idiocracy gives us a pretty good glimpse, of where polygamy is often found…in the lowest rung of society.
In the opening scene, Clevon, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, has impregnated at least two (maybe 3?) women in the trailer park.
Moments later, we cut to an updated family tree, showing Clevon Jr. having babies with four high school cheerleaders.
The funny thing is…for most of the last century, rich, costal elites mocked the lower classes for just this behavior…drinking cheap beer and getting in love triangles which result in all kinds of shared-custody family situations, with child support hierarchies that rival the U.S. tax code in complexity.
It’s a lifestyle that should be mocked…because this kind of reckless living produces generational poverty and highly unstable homes for children.
But that’s only if you’re trying it out poor. If you’ve got a substantial trust fund…you’re only breaking the childhoods of your offspring and causing life-long trauma, but your bank account is solid.
Hollywood has been aptly referred to as “high school with money.”
Polyamory is all the rage in San Francisco, so perhaps we should call the Bay area “double wides with money.”
Because the rich, costal elite now behave…
…like trailer park meth addicts.
[two]
To be honest, I’d all but forgotten that late night talk shows still existed.
After seeing the latest “comedy” from Jimmy Fallon, I wish I could return to that state of bliss.
“It was a Masked Christmas,” which features pop star Ariana Grande and rapper Megan Thee Stallion, contains the line “put Purell on everything. Turkey, egg nog, candy canes.”
What?
Why?
What’s funny about putting hand sanitizer on your food?
Comedy is highly subjective (not everybody thinks the same things are funny), but it can be defined.
In my opinion, comedy points out the awkward, unspoken or unjust elements of life…comedy helps us to look at the world differently.
What Jimmy Fallon did…is an after school special. And a bad one. (“I’m just a bill” should be offended).
Compare this to comedian Ryan Long’s most recent video, “A Message to Will Smith from Jada’s Entanglements” in which a fictional personal trainer, plumber, music producer and an unemployed guy send an “encouragement video” to Will Smith…from the men Jada is having an affair with.
(Will and Jada have an infamously open marriage, which has included Jada’s confession to multiple celebrity partners, and Will…maybe getting fat on purpose so he could get a reality show).
Don’t watch this one with your kids.
Or at all, if you’re easily offended.
But this is a great example of why true, brave comedy is so necessary.
Because as offensive as this video is, it only points out the more offensive polyamory, which has ties to increased violence and domestic abuse. (And, we can assume, child abuse, both physical and sexual as well).
As covered above, polyamory is all the rage right now, which makes Ryan Long’s comedy the counter-culture.
Long is pushing back on the predominant thinking of the costal, cultural elites. and rather than going for a Puritanical finger-wagging, he undercuts polygamy with biting one-liners.
Ryan Long takes risks.
Jimmy Fallon…apparently really wants the CDC to clap for him.
Late night comedy shows aren’t dying (only) because of the rise of online content.
Fallon, Colbert etc. are fading into the cultural background because they don’t take risks anymore.
And comedy demands risk.
[three]
I might sound like a broken record here…but these stories just keep coming.
A Mexican immigrant in Chicago was beaten to death this week in front of his five year old daughter…while hanging Christmas lights.
Elsewhere, a teen who stabbed a 15 year old to death in a marijuana deal gone bad has been sentenced to…probation.
After being convicted of second degree murder, the 17-year-old won’t even see the inside of a jail cell, but instead will complete 100 hours of community service and attend mandatory counseling sessions.
Therapy doesn’t fix a person who stabs another person to death for under-paying for weed. You don’t just “talk that one out.”
I could probably cover stories like this every week coming out of Chicago, New York, LA and San Francisco, which were previously the four finest metropolitans in America.
Those area still offer world class theater, dining, shopping and a bevy of cultural experiences…and also increasing odds that you may wind up dead in a gutter (and your killer may wind up at home playing XBOX).
Of course, large cities have always had murders…but there was at least a halfway decent attempt to prosecute those murders.
Now, rogue District Attorneys are refusing to prosecute crimes like the shootout in Chicago in October in which 70 shots fired left one dead and two wounded, but none of the gang members involved were charged, with the D.A. citing an obscure “mutual combat” law.
From the 1970’s to 1990’s, major metropolitans were notoriously dangerous places, with the possibility thatyou could die from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
From 2002 to 2015 I lived in the Chicago suburbs, and often worked and hung out in the city itself. Despite the political corruption, the Chicago was well run, clean and pretty safe.
That’s no longer the case.
I’m not telling you not to visit (or live in) a major city.
It’s your life, you do you.
But the trends are all heading in the same direction here.
[four]
The huge waves of retail theft sweeping major cities, often referred to as “flash mob robberies,” are groups of people who…don’t even know each other.
Allegedly, the robberies are being organized on Snapchat.
The Wall Street Journal reports:
A recent rash of thefts by fast-moving mobs at stores in the Bay Area and outside Minneapolis were organized on social media and committed by people who often didn’t know one another, according to law-enforcement officials investigating the incidents.
Snapchat was among the social-media apps and messaging services used by thieves in the Bay Area, one of the law-enforcement officials said.
The organizing tactics, which police say they haven’t seen before, make it difficult to catch or identify perpetrators, that official said. When suspects are arrested, they often don’t have names or information about others who were there.
“This isn’t ‘The Godfather’ by any stretch,” said Steve Wagstaffe, the San Mateo County, California, district attorney who is part of a newly formed alliance of Bay Area prosecutors tackling organized retail theft. “It’s the modern version of ‘Hey, there’s a party tonight’ and suddenly you have 100 kids showing up.”
Three of the estimated 90 people who overran a Nordstrom Inc. store in the wealthy Bay Area suburb of Walnut Creek, Calif., on Nov. 20 have been arrested, according to Walnut Creek police. The thieves stole more than $100,000 of merchandise in one minute before escaping in 25 separate cars that had their license plates removed or covered, prosecutors said.
It’s interesting where “accountability” happens for big tech. For example, the January 6th violence at the Capital was mainly planned on Facebook, but social network Parler was shut down by Amazon (who hosted it on their cloud) and banned by Apple and Android.
There seems to be no “accountability” here, as Snapchat claims no knowledge…but that’s there usual play, like when the network shrugged off a felony blackmail scheme the company ignored until police made an arrest.
Cities should be partnering with tech to curb flash mob robberies…Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot is blaming…the shops getting robbed:
Some of the retailers downtown in Michigan Avenue, I will tell you, I'm disappointed that they are not doing more to take safety and make it a priority. For example, we still have retailers that won't institute plans like having security officers in their stores.
Making sure that they've got cameras that are actually operational, locking up their merchandise at night, chaining high-end bags. These purses seem to be something that is attracting a lot of organized retail theft units.
Cool. If you’re not going to protect the businesses with police…don’t charge the shops on Michigan Avenue city taxes.
And with flash mobs…how many “security officers” do you need…to stop 90 looters that organized on Snapchat?
“Why do you keep getting robbed” is the organizational equivalent of a cop or social worker asking a battered woman “why didn’t you think ahead before you married a guy who would beat you.”
This is why I beat the drum so hard for paying attention to local politics…this crap isn’t happening in Nashville, Louisville, Des Moines…or other decent sized cities still sanely governed.
You may not be able to put pressure on Snapchat, a giant corporation, but you can vote in a local election for a politician who can grasp that the police, not stores, are responsible for flash mob robberies.
[five]
As always
Since the final two issues of The Five for 2021 will be recap issues (next Tuesday and Friday), here’s a quick list of the really big movies coming out here at the very end of the year, including Spider-Man: No Way Home (94% on Rotten Tomatoes), The Matrix: Revolutions on HBO Max and Don’t Look Up streaming on Netflix on Christmas Eve. The Leonardo Dicaprio/Jennifer Lawrence climate change disaster movie, which is getting butchered in the early reviews. You’ve no doubt made up your mind on those before now…just a reminder of your viewing options.
The Witcher, returns to Netflix for a second season as of today. The fantasy show, based on a series of Polish novels (in turn based on Polish folk tales), follows the adventures of monster-hunter-for-hire Geralt of Rivia in a world of magic and political espionage.
Real life couple (and country music stars) Tim McGraw and Faith Hill lead the cast for the Yellowstone prequel Yellowstone 1883 on Paramount+, which debuts Sunday night.
The classic western will attempt to capitalize on the success of the modern the Kevin Costner led original, following the ancestors of the Dutton family (of the original show) as they migrate from Texas to settle in Montana and build a cattle ranch in the vast wilderness.
CNN is launching their own streaming network, CNN+. The new network will feature an interview show from departing Fox News host Chris Wallace is jumping ship and serving as the flagship talent to attract paying subscribers (which will be a separate cost from regular CNN). Howard Stern summed up the situation well on his XM radio program:
“I gotta tell ya, people don’t watch CNN, who the hell is going to pay for CNN+? Are they out of their mind? CNN+, I mean what is that? Regular CNN isn’t enough?” Stern said. “Good luck being seen on that thing. I mean I like Chris Wallace, but I’m not paying a monthly service fee.”
MUSIC NEWS: Best known for the hit “Driver’s License,” Olivia Rodrigo filmed an NPR Tiny Desk concert…at the DMV.
Kanye West and Drake buried the hatchet (perhaps in Drake’s back) for a livestream concert together to support awareness for the release of Larry Hoover, a co-founder of the Chicago street gang Gangster Disciples, who has since allegedly become an anti-violence activist while behind bars. (More on that here).
The two rappers had a long history of competition and conflict, which seemed to come to an end during last week’s livestream. However, Drake has been mostly edited out of the replay on Amazon Prime Video (12 of his 14 songs are now missing).
Kanye gonna Kanye, I guess.
Until the next one,
-sth